Crying and Sleep Training

How much crying is involved with sleep training?

I get this question all the time! Parents are understandably worried about how much crying will be involved, even if they know sleep training will help their baby sleep better. I am not one to sugar coat things, anytime we make a sleep change there will be some level of protest and crying associated with that. Change is hard and brings big feelings for our little ones!

While there are some “no cry sleep solutions” out there where families slowly reduce or change their baby’s sleep associations to eventually reach better sleep, it sometimes takes 6-9 months to see progress using these methods, and they still may come with some level of crying.

On the other end of the spectrum you have “cry it out” which describes an extinction approach to sleep training where you leave your child in their room for 11-12h regardless of their level of crying. This method can work, and usually quickly (within 1-2 nights). My issue with cry it out is that it is SO NOT A PLAN!  Leaving your baby to cry it out is just a vague suggestion made to sleep deprived parents, not a step-by-step process with considerations for the many factors associated with good sleep.

My approach is somewhere in the middle. When working 1:1 with a family I wont ever suggest just closing the door and leaving your baby to it, but I also don’t love a 6 month long process (who can wait that long for sleep?!)…sleep training with me falls somewhere in the middle.

What to expect on night one

I often tell parents during our consultations that I wish I had a magic crystal ball to be able to tell them how long their baby will take to fall asleep for the first time independently- but unfortunately every baby is just so different! The intensity and duration of crying is dependent on many factors Including baby’s temperament, how chronically overtired they are, how many sleep training attempts have been made previously, and how consistent you are being your approach (why having a plan is SO key!).

 I can say that on average, babies I work with take 30-60 minutes to fall asleep on night 1 of sleep training using a parent present approach. This may sound super LONG, but remember that this doesn’t mean they are being left alone, or that they are crying for that entire time period. I have of course see outliers as well, some babies fall asleep in under 10 minutes, and then there are some who struggle longer than an hour before figuring out how to fall asleep.

Sleep training shouldn’t take weeks.

When sleep training is done well, you should start to see MAJOR progress within in 2-3 days. By night three you should have some measurable success happening: significantly less crying AND reduced night wake ups. Its not unusual at all for me to see babies sleep right through the night with very minimal bedtime tears by night two or three of the plan! This is in alignment with the research on sleep training and crying as well, this study done on 652 families showed that on average, crying was reduced by more than 50% by night two.

If you are reading this and are thinking YAAAA RIGHT, we have been sleep training for weeks and still are still seeing tons of crying… its time for us to talk! Perhaps the method you are using isn’t right for your baby, or maybe there is just a piece of the puzzle missing. There are truly SO many factors associated with good sleep! As a pediatric sleep consultant, my job is to help you put all those pieces together to find success quickly.

Will the crying associated with sleep training damage my baby?

This is another super common question! Unfortunately, there are a LOT of scary misconceptions swirling around about crying and sleep training:

• Allowing a baby to cry will damage the bond or attachment between them and caregivers

• Babies are not meant to self soothe and teaching them to do so goes against nature

• Sleep training has long lasting impacts on a child’s trust and connection with caregivers

• Crying can cause neurological damage

I am here to tell you that there are absolutely NO studies that back any of this scary stuff up!  If someone tells you otherwise, I suggest you ask for a link to their peer reviewed research-based source and confirm its relevancy- was the study done using age appropriate sleep training methods with healthy human children?

There are fortunately some VERY relevant studies showing just the opposite. This study is one of my favorites, and shows sleep training had no long term negative effects on 326 children or their parents. There are many more studies showing the same thing- better sleep and quality of life for families, with no sign of any negative outcomes for babies.

 Though the research consistently demonstrates the safety and effectiveness of sleep training, the crying at comes with it can still be super hard for parents to handle. One thing that can be helpful is to reframe our thinking about why that crying is happening…Instead of wondering if your child is hurting, feeling abandoned, or scared, think about the real reasons they are upset:

• They are tired

• They are in a new, confusing sleep situation

• They are frustrated and prefer the old way of sleeping

• They are working hard to overcome the challenge of falling asleep in a new way

Also consider how much crying your little one is doing now, in your current sleep situation. Are they often fussy and overtired? Fighting sleep or waking in the night crying?  SO MANY families report an overall reduction in fussiness and crying once baby starts sleeping well. Well rested babies are truly happier! In my opinion, the benefit of this far outweighs a couple of rough bedtimes.

Bottom line, sleep training is a personal choice, and not the right one for every family. But if sleep is feeling unsustainable, and you are ready for a change you have options! There are different approaches we can take together, depending on your little ones developmental stage and your family’s comfort level.  The first step is to book a discovery call with us here, we would love to help you reach your sleep goals!

Together, let’s make those sleepless nights a thing of the past!

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