Maternal Gatekeeping: The Real Reason You Are Doing It All
Almost 5 years ago now I had my first baby, and I immediately went into mama bear mode. For those first few weeks as my husband Ryan and I tried to figure out how to parent, I totally took charge. After all, as the mother it was my job to figure things out right?
As Ryan and I tried to learn how to take care of Nova I watched over him to correct and instruct…literally through every diaper change! He became less and less confident, while I became more used to just doing things myself because it was easier. Even while Nova was sleeping I was on high alert, because of course I was the only parent who could respond to her when she woke- or so I thought.
As it turns out, I was a maternal gatekeeper.
If you haven’t heard of the term gatekeeping, it refers to “a person or a thing controlling access to something”. A maternal gatekeeper is a mother controlling access to parenting her child. Maternal gatekeeping can be further defined as a mother restricting their partner’s involvement in household and childcare by “guarding” the management of these tasks, doing tasks themselves, setting the standards of how tasks need to be done, or re-doing them to these standards after their partner performs them (Puhlman & Pasley 2013).
To an extent, its normal to want to be in control of our children’s care, and in some families the division of responsibility leads to mom’s making lots of care decisions. But this control can easily turn into true gatekeeping situations here you let your perfectionism take over and begin blocking other caregivers from being involved. Some tangible real life examples of maternal gatekeeping could be:
checking or readjusting your baby’s diaper after every diaper change your partner does.
Insisting on being the only one to choose your child’s clothing.
Avoiding your own personal needs in fear that your child will need you instead of your partner in that moment.
Giving your partner detailed instructions for simple care situations rather than letting them try to work it out on their own.
Researching caregiving decisions but not sharing your findings with your partner
Feeling frustrated and resentful that your partner can’t do caregiving tasks as well as you.
We should be REALLY concerned about maternal gatekeeping.
Maternal gatekeeping easily becomes a dangerous cycle, the more gatekeeping you do the less your partner will be involved, and then the less confident they will become. It literally creates situations where you really do HAVE to do it all, and this can lead to maternal burnout, relationship strain, and even postpartum depression. Maternal gatekeeping can also significantly affect your partner’s self esteem and their relationship with their child. A 2015 study published in Parenting, Science and Practice, found mothers who “held greater perfectionistic expectations for their partners’ parenting” were more likely to close the gate. This means that even the most willing co-parents are often not given that chance.
Stopping ourselves from being gatekeepers to our children isn’t an overnight process! For me, it took reaching a significant level of burnout and a serious conversation between Ryan and I to even realize that was the one preventing him from being as involved as I wanted him to be. While ending my gatekeeping behaviors didn’t change the fact I needed to nurse nova every 2-3 hours, it did mean that if I were to hand her off to Ryan I didn’t have to still be present, looking over his shoulder. I started to take real breaks from caregiving, and it was exactly what I needed to be able to ditch the resentment and burn out. once I backed off, it allowed Ryan to figure out what worked for him and Nova, so they could develop that deep bond that he wanted so badly. If you are struggling with how to put an end to your own gatekeeping tendencies, here are a few small steps to start with:
Take a look at baby’s feeding and sleep routines and rationally identify where you aren’t need. For example, if your baby is breastfed to sleep involve your partner in the routine beforehand, have them prepare baby for sleep, then call you in when its time for the feed.
When you leave your baby with your partner or another trusted caregiver ACTUALLY leave. Go to another room, go for a walk… prevent yourself from being able to continually check in or instruct.
Do parenting research with your partner, and have open conversations about your feelings on diapering, feeding, sleep, and all of the other baby things.
When you feel you need to step in and direct your partner, focus on safety only. Are they measuring formula incorrectly? Time to gently correct. Weird outfit change or bouncing baby to sleep a way they aren’t used to? Let it go.
Be aware of things you say about your partner. Jokes about '“incorrect” things they have done with baby can lead them to feeling judged and they will most certainly step back their involvement (maternal gatekeeping at its most subtle).
You aren’t the only one who can put your baby to sleep.
Of all of the caregiving activities we gatekeep around, sleep may be the most common. For me, this was definitely the case. I was borderline baby sleep obsessed (yet I had no hot clue what I was doing!) and I didn’t really let Ryan into my world of thoughts and research. I felt I was the only one who could put Nova to sleep and was scared of Ryan even trying in case “it didn’t work”. Here are two things I know now, that I wished I had known then:
Babies are adaptable, and don’t need to fall asleep the same way every time. Each caregiver, whether it’s a parent, grandparent, or childcare provider will do it their own way. As long as baby feels safe, they will sleep eventually (even if they are upset about it). Sure Ryan’s rocking method may have been a little different, but him and Nova would have made it work and he would have been able to support Nova through that change.
Teaching independent sleep skills allows for any caregiver to easily be a part of a baby’s sleep routine. Once a baby has the ability to self initiate sleep they don’t need a specific type of rocking, feeding, or other elaborate sleep process that only one parent knows how to do. We choose to sleep train Nova at 8 months old and it was the best parenting decision I ever made, not only because we all got the rest we needed but because knowing she could peacefully put herself to sleep repaired my gatekeeping relationship with baby sleep.
Putting a stop to my maternal gatekeeping truly allowed me to reclaim the magic of my motherhood, and it changed the way Ryan and I parented together. BUT, as a recovering maternal gatekeeper, and a total type A personality I don’t think I’ll ever fully avoid worries around Ryan doing things I normally do. Yes, I know he is fully capable…but I still have to work hard to push those gatekeeping feelings away and be okay with not being in control. I think I’ll always fix the bumps after he does Nova’s ponytail- don’t tell him!
If reading this made you realize you are part of the gatekeeping club, you’ve made the first step to change the pattern! Recognizing our tendencies goes a long way in preventing them from getting out of control. If you specifically feel like you are struggling with gatekeeping around sleep and don’t know how to stop that cycle, I’ve got you covered! Sustainable sleep routines that include parents interchangeably are a part of every sleep plan I write. Let’s book a sleep evaluation call to talk about how I can help your family find better sleep AND involved your partner in the process.
